For most of 2017, I worked with an insanely talented group of producers and videographers from ESPN. Why? Well, we created a mini-documentary of my life and my relationship with the New England Patriots. 

Wherever you are in your life, a simple shift in mindset is all it takes to begin appreciating every little bit this life has to offer again. And, if you’re feeling a little lost today like I was, I hope you remember that this morning you woke up. You took deep breaths and smelled a pot of coffee and picked up your phone or tablet or laptop to come here and read this. You’re doing better than you think, I promise.

Even on a cloudy day, this view is pretty remarkable... am I right?! I remember leaving this venue for the first time with a gut feeling that this was where our next Working On Walking fundraiser had to take place.

After about an hour of prep and precise positioning, my surgeon leaned over and said, “anything we can do comfort-wise before we start?” I took a deep breath to release the tension in my body. “A vodka soda would be great,” I sassily replied as humor is often the path I take when I’m feeling anxious.

Right about now, I should be laying on the operating table. But, instead, I am here. Writing to you from my couch and listening to the rain fall, wishing things could have panned out a little differently today.

The funny thing about earth-shattering fear, though, is that it reminds us that we want something- something so passionately and out of our control that, if we lose it, we might not ever be the same. Fortunately, the resiliency of the human spirit…

If these walls could talk, they'd tell a tale of a girl who stayed in her pajamas for days at a time and ate her feelings in doughnuts and coffee. It would be a pretty anticlimactic and boring tale, but that's just because it was the current state of her life.

What I'm scared about now is what's next. What I've been doing all of this for. The one thing that's been keeping me up at night for the last two months. And, that's whether or not this drug will work.

I went into this blindly. Without knowing if my body is capable of reaping the benefits of this drug. And this not-knowing, shot-in-the-dark kind of thing absolutely terrified me.